


Hold It Until You Break

by arochill



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Prequel Trilogy, Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Hurt Obi-Wan Kenobi, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Obi-Wan Kenobi Needs a Hug, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Self-Doubt, Self-Esteem Issues, he gets one
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-11
Updated: 2020-02-11
Packaged: 2021-02-28 05:48:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,493
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22658803
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/arochill/pseuds/arochill
Summary: Obi-Wan has years under his belt as a Jedi. He knew how to keep secrets, he knew when and when not to be honest. He knew how to protect others, but he couldn’t say the same about himself.
Relationships: Implied CC-2224 | Cody/Obi-Wan Kenobi, Obi-Wan Kenobi & Anakin Skywalker, Padmé Amidala & Obi-Wan Kenobi
Comments: 11
Kudos: 378





	Hold It Until You Break

Obi-wan looked around the room with a critical eye, his worry easily seen on his expression despite him trying to rein it in and control it. Many of his squad laid strewn out across the room, trying their best to treat their injuries as much as they could. There wasn’t a single clone trooper that wasn’t nursing an injury. But after Obi-wan had swept the room to make sure his squad was still _alive_ after the whole ordeal, his eyes made their way to the darkest corner of the room where his once-padawan sat; holding the face of one Padmé Armidala as he kissed her desperately, as if doing so was the only thing keeping him alive. Anakin nor Padmé were even trying to hide themselves, and Obi-wan chewed on his bottom lip as his eyes narrowed in on them.

If he had been in a better mood, if his squad hadn’t just walked through hell and back without any reinforcements, if he hadn’t been without sleep for the past week aside from infrequent meditation sessions, maybe he would have left it be as he usually did. Maybe he would have stepped out of the room, still undetected, and announced his arrival so they would stop before he _saw_ them. But he didn’t. He was exhausted, worried and uncontrollably angry, no matter how much he tried to calm himself.

And maybe he was tired of trying to lie over and over again.

“If we could keep the PDA to ourselves when we’re in the middle of a war zone, it would be appreciated.” He said in lieu of a greeting. And he watched with a quiet sense of vindication as Anakin and Padmé split away from each other faster than he had ever seen them move. He could see, even from as far away from them as he was, the way their faces paled and expressions dropped, and he couldn’t bring himself to feel bad for it.

“Thank you,” he said, and then turned his attention from them to his troopers. All of them without their helmets on we’re looking at him in shock, and he knew it was the same of those with them on as well. And still, he couldn’t bring himself to care.

Obi-wan drew in a deep breath and steadied himself as much as he could, “We just got a transmission from Jedi Master Luminara who is bringing her squad as reinforcements as they extract us from the battlefield. She will be about 0500 hours, so we will need to hold out until then. I know you’re all tired, but we’ll be headed home soon, so do your best to stay alive until this is over, alright?”

“…Yes, General!”

Obi-wan couldn’t bring himself to care about the delay of their response. He nodded, breathed out, and turned back around to walk out of the room.

“Mast— Obi-wan!” He heard Anakin call, and he heard footsteps moving across the metal floor, but he did not turn around or stop walking.

He barely realised the way his vision was blurring until what he knew was Anakin’s hand grabbed onto the back of his collar to draw him to a stop. He didn’t have time to hear anything but Anakin saying “Obi-wan” again before his vision darkened and blurred, and his legs went limp underneath him. The only thing that managed to prevent him from falling straight into the ground beneath him was Anakin’s hand tightening quickly against his collar before the younger man tugged him back up to his feet.

Anakin turned him around and Obi-wan looked at him, blinking rapidly, trying to push away the sudden drowsiness that overshadowed all else he was feeling. There was too much on Anakin’s face for him to understand, even if he had been fully rested and in control of himself. He could see the terror, the worry, the confusion. Anakin had no chance in saying anything before Obi-wan’s vision blurred once more, darkened, and then he fell limp into Anakin’s arms.

If Obi-wan was a better person, he would have told Anakin long ago that he knew he and Padmé were in a relationship.

But despite how hard he tried to be the perfect Jedi that everyone seemed to believe he was, he knew he would never be what they wanted of him. He worked tirelessly to reach the standards they asked of him day after day, he took on assignments that he knew would make his nights without rest last longer, he took on the duties of other Jedi Masters without saying a word against them for fear of them throwing him out the same as Qui-gon had all those years prior.

Only to himself would he ever admit that he was absolutely terrified of losing those the small amount of people that were close to him. He knew that he was going against the very Codes he preached about constantly, but he accepted how much of a hypocrite that made him. He was happy that Padmé and Anakin could have with each other what Obi-wan had never allowed himself to have. And he didn’t want to lose the trust or the friendship of either should he tell them he knew. He had known for a long time that even though he was Anakin’s former Master, that didn’t mean the younger man trusted him to not rat them out to the council.

Day after day, Obi-wan worked himself to the bone in order to ignore everything else that was going around him. He knew that should he let himself think of all of the deaths he was apart of, of all the things he was guilty of that went against the very Code he swore to uphold, then he would break. It had been a very long time since he had allowed himself to quiet the chaos of his mind. He told himself it had been like that since he had watched Master Qui-gon die in front of him, but he knew that it lasted far longer than that. Since long before he had become a Padawan.

He wanted Anakin to have the things that he did not, so he never spoke up about his former Padawan and his lover. He had been so very prepared to take their secret to his grave, but it seemed that the cracks in his perfect mask had been shattering when he hadn’t been paying attention.

When he finally woke up the first thing he did was sense the presence of those that were around him. He did not dare to open his eyes. Even after his mostly delirious state before he rendered himself unconscious he knew exactly what had happened, and no part of him wanted to speak with Anakin after the way he had called him out. Not yet (not ever).

He was the fearless Jedi General Obi-wan Kenobi, but he couldn’t do this.

Luckily, when he reached out all he felt around him was the familiar presence of Cody and nobody else. The relief that he felt came out in a quiet huff of air, and suddenly there was a hand on his arm.

“Welcome back to the world of the living, General Kenobi.” Cody said before Obi-wan had even opened his eyes.

Obi-wan sighed, looking up at the face of his Commander who was looking down at him with barely concealed worry. Obi-wan pushed himself up into a sitting position even as Cody tried to stop him.

“I’ll be fine, Cody.” He said, “I’ve rested now and more than ready to get back out there and help our boys.”

Cody’s lips pursed. But instead of putting his helmet on and letting him leave like Obi-wan had hoped, Cody sat it down on the ground beside him and put one hand against Obi-wan’s chest.

“Sorry, General, can’t do that. The boys will be fine. We have less than an hour until General Luminara and her squad shows up, so I just want you to get some more rest until then. You need it… Obi-wan. You have no idea how worried General Skywalker and the Senator are.”

Obi-wan raised an eyebrow as he was pushed back against the makeshift bed.

“ _Worried?_ Why? I wouldn’t have been surprised if they were happy that I passed out as I did.” Obi-wan responded, and he was confused to see the way that Cody’s face just _dropped._ It wasn’t an expression Obi-wan had seen on Cody’s face often, even when one of his Commanders brother’s died right in front of him. It was a confusing expression, because Obi-wan thought he knew Anakin, and anger was a more likely reaction than any kind of worry, so he had no idea where Cody got the idea that he was _worried._

Cody’s expression cleared up quickly. He opened his mouth to speak, but Cody was interrupted by a voice coming from the entrance to the room.

“Why would we be _happy?_ What kind of people do you think we are, Obi-wan?”

It was unmistakingly Anakin. Obi-wan swallowed, eyes moving slowly from Cody towards the younger man that was standing in the doorway. There was anger on his face, but now Obi-wan wasn’t sure anymore as to what it was directed at and that left him at a disadvantage in this. Padmé peered out from behind Obi-wan’s former Padawan, and she moved before Anakin could, running over to Obi-wan’s side with worry covering her expression. 

“You’re okay!” She exclaimed, a smile on her face as she scanned him over with her eyes.

Obi-wan blinked once, twice, and then nodded. His mind clicked into place as the pieces seemed to connect in front of him.

“Of course I am, Senator. No need to worry about me. I won’t be telling anyone about you and Anakin, and I will make sure the 212th won’t either. I promise.” Obi-wan told them, smiling at her as comforting as he could make it. And he was shocked to watch as instead of the happiness he would have expected, Padmé just looked in him in horror and even more worry than before.

If he had looked away from her, he would have seen the exact same expressions on the faces of both Cody and Anakin.

“That’s--” Padmé began, but Anakin cut her off, moving over to them with hasty footsteps and a stormy expression.

“I’m glad that you won’t tell anyone, Obi-wan, but that’s not what we’re concerned about!” Anakin exclaimed, grabbing hold of one of Obi-wan’s hands, “You passed out in the middle of leaving. You’ve been pushing yourself way too hard, and the fact that your walls were breaking the way they were tells me that you’ve been on the verge of a breakdown for a while now. Padmé and I aren’t concerned about ourselves, we’ve already talked it out and we _trust_ you, we just don’t trust you to be concerned about yourself.”

Obi-wan just stared. This didn’t seem right in any way. Anakin should be yelling at him, telling him not to expose his relationship with Padmé to the Council. Anakin shouldn’t be _concerned_ about him working himself into the ground, because he had been doing that exact same thing since the Clone Wars had begun in the first place. He was fine.

As dazed as he was, he couldn’t stop the disbelief from showing on his face.

Padmé reached down and grabbed hold of the hand that Anakin wasn’t already holding.

“Obi-wan, we’re sorry that you found out about us like this, we should have told you when it began and maybe it wouldn’t have put even more stress on you than you were already experiencing with the battle this past week. I hope you can forgive us for it.” She said to him softly, running a finger across the back of his hand.

And Obi-wan had to bite down on his tongue to stop himself from responding with the fact that he had known since the Battle of Geonosis and the beginning of the Clone Wars. 

He got it now. They thought they were worried about him and his actions towards his own wellbeing, but in reality they were still worried about him telling the Council and were trying to get on his good side in order to do it. It made more sense then them somehow now trusting him after the many years in which they didn’t.

He would never have trusted himself either, so that train of thought made a lot more sense than anything else happening right now.

Obi-wan put a smile on his face that was as false as he was, but Padmé smiled back and he knew she believed it.

“Of course I do. You make each other happy, I can see that. But please, I won’t always be able to account for me not knowing due to the passing out, so be more careful, won’t you?” Obi-wan said calmly. His mask was back, pulled further up than ever before, and once again he was the exact image of the perfect Jedi even as he sat in the makeshift bed due to his own actions.

He looked around and towards Cody and Anakin, and both of them had smiles on their faces that would have made him feel guilty if it wasn’t for the fact he knew this was better for everyone.

It was far better to put distance between he and Anakin and Padmé, because he knew that if he was around when they were sharing the love they held for each other all he would feel was that terrible, terrible anger that came from the jealousy that the two of them had what he could never allow himself if he wanted to remain… _wanted._

“Of course, Master,” Anakin said, a light in his eyes that hadn’t been there in a long time, “thank you.”

Obi-wan was saved from having to speak anymore by the sound of a transport landing right outside their makeshift base. Anakin and Padmé stepped away from him, letting go of his hands, and Cody helped to pull him up before the man picked up his helmet and took hold of the gun that was placed against the wall.

Luminara had arrived.

Honesty was one of the most important parts of being a Jedi. To be a peacekeeper, one had to be as honest with the people they were speaking with as they possibly could be. Obi-wan had never been a good Jedi, no matter how much he wished he was. He was honest to a fault, that was true enough, but he was never honest when it mattered.

Obi-wan knew that Anakin liked to think that his former Master was the best rule following Jedi around, but that was far from the truth. Years ago, when on Mandalore with Satine, he had fallen in love and had been ready to leave the Order for her. Over the years, that love for her had faded into something he buried deep inside him, and despite how much he cared for her the next time he saw her those feelings were long gone, replaced by a longing that was now only platonic in nature.

He put himself and his emotions on the line far too often for a Jedi, trying as hard as he could to make sure that everyone made it out alive even if it meant he was horribly injured in the process. Anakin had once called him a self sacrificing moron - and wasn’t that hypocritical - and Obi-wan had known he hadn’t been wrong. If he could save the lives of others even if it meant putting his own at risk, he would.

_There is no passion, there is serenity._

Try as he might, he could never be connected to the Force and its serenity the way that so many other Jedi were. He knew he was too passionate, making connections with person after person and holding on to them as tight as he possibly could. He was too attached and he knew it, but it was too late for him to stop. He was filled to the brim with emotions, a balloon that was on the verge of popping should he keep going as he was.

The day that he had let Padmé and Anakin know that he knew about them, those emotions were being to boil over, but that wasn’t the breakdown that Anakin thought it was. Obi-wan knew what his breakdown would be like, and accidently letting his shields down for a moment and passing out from exhaustion wasn’t that. No, he knew that that event had only been a warning of what was drawing on him, building with every passing day.

As it drew on him he pulled away from the people around him. Anakin and Cody were both been keeping an eye on him during missions and making sure that he was sleeping and taking care of themselves, but he had always been good at hiding things and they finally started to stop the longer he went along with them. When they weren’t paying attention, Obi-wan picked up missions that could be done without the Clone Troopers and without Anakin or another Jedi, and as soon as he could he was gone.

The feeling was building under his skin. The Force was fluctuating, a feeling of worry and stress coming from it trying to plead with him to return to Coruscant. But he knew he couldn’t listen to it, not when he was so close to breaking.

The mission the Jedi Council had sent him on was a diplomatic one; one of Obi-wan’s first in a while. It should have been simple. He should have been able to finish that and then find a place to meditate and let his mask crack in private so he could build it up again before anyone ever knew. He should have been fine.

He should have known it wouldn’t be that simple— not when it was him.

The Force was an overwhelming presence against him, stronger and more looming than it had ever been in the past. From the moment he had landed his ship on the planet, the Force had been shouting warnings at him that he didn’t understand. Obi-wan had years under his belt as a Jedi. He had fought against Sith, against hundreds of droids by himself. He knew what it was like when there was a danger nearby that would be difficult, even for him. But this was something different. It was something that was, somehow, worse than anything else he had fought.

It was let the trap go off or run and Obi-wan, despite his faults, had never been one for running. Not when it counted.

The building was silent when he entered; quiet. He stretched out his senses as far as they could go but he could feel nothing around him. There was no sign of life around him, not animal, not humanoid, not anything. The area was just empty. The Force was screaming at him to leave. It was screaming that this was _wrong, wrong, wrong._ But Obi-wan was a Jedi, and he didn’t run when there was a possibility of people needing help, and this felt like a situation in which even if he tried to leave, it would still come for him eventually.

He wandered down empty corridors, walked through ominously open doors, and kept a hand on his lightsaber at all times. But still, there was nothing.

And then, all of a sudden, the Force stopped screaming. But that wasn’t all. The Force stopped _all together._ The empty feeling of the building he was in grew, and there was panic building up in him that he wouldn’t have been feeling if he had been able to empty his emotions into the Force beforehand. He knew he couldn’t stay here. He knew this place was wrong even without the Force there to tell him so.

The room he was in grew cold. Goosebumps rose on his skin, and Obi-wan spun around, lightsaber in his hand, glowing bright in the darkened room. But there was nothing. Obi-wan breathed in deeply and turned the lightsaber back off, clipping it back to his belt.

He needed to leave. He needed to be out of this place, _now._

It was getting harder to breathe, and Obi-wan clawed at his next frantically before he was even aware of what it was that he was doing. His nails tore into his throat with a panic that he didn’t understand, _couldn’t_ understand. His mind was screaming, a terrible sound he knew he would never forget.

And then, just as quickly as it happened, it stopped. His hands dropped away from his throat, nails streaked with blood, and his breathing laboured and heavy but _there._ His eyes glanced around the room quickly, wide and blown and, though he wouldn’t admit it to anyone but himself, absolutely _terrified._ And yet, there was no one there. He still couldn’t feel anyone nearby, even as he felt the Force slowly come back into being around him, like a cloak being placed on him as he stood within the throws of a snowstorm.

He had to leave. The Force was back and yelling at him that _yes, yes, he had to leave now,_ and Obi-wan knew he had to listen to it. He couldn’t remain here. The Force was telling him that this place was empty, had been for years, and though he wondered why he hadn’t felt that when he first entered he was still too panicked and emotional to think on it any further.

He was out of the building within five minutes, panting as if he had just run a world-long marathon.

As soon as he was out that door, he collapsed to the ground. He withdrew himself within the Force, within himself, into a meditative state that he had not allowed himself to fall into since before the death of his Master. He let himself become surrounded by the Living Force, let it become one with him in a way he hadn’t let occur in years.

His emotions remained in turmoil. The dam had burst and there wasn’t anything he could do to stop it, no matter how hard he tried. Releasing the negative emotions into the Force worked, at times, but with the amount of feelings he had held back for so many years before now, that would no longer work.

He wanted to rest. He wanted to let the Force surround him until that was all that was left of him. But just as much as that, he wanted to see his friends-- his family. He wanted to see Anakin and Cody and Padmé and the 212th. He wanted to be able to breathe again. He wanted to save those on planet that were overrun with a war they wanted no part in, he wanted to be a Jedi that his Master would have been proud of.

He wanted a lot of things. He was a terrible Jedi, but as he submerged into the Force, nearly subconsciously, that wasn’t what the Force said back.

A hand on his shoulder. A comforting presence. A calm in the storm of his inner thoughts and emotions. He opened his eyes.

“Obi-wan?” Anakin questioned, voice so soft and concerned that it almost sounded like someone else.

Obi-wan looked at him, at the brightness of the Force that surrounded the younger man, and he couldn’t stop himself. The Force around himself crooned with success. Obi-wan pushed himself up, and his arms were around Anakin without a second thought. A shout of surprise came from the younger man, but it took only a moment for Anakin’s arms to come around him as well.

“Anakin?” Obi-wan whispered, receiving a ‘hm?’ in reply, “You’re my brother. I love you.”  
Anakin sucked in a deep breath, “...I love you too, Obi-wan.”

“...I… have known about you and Padmé since the beginning, Anakin.” Anakin stiffened in his arms, but Obi-wan didn’t let go, “I want you to know that I’m so very proud of you. And that I wish I could have been there for you on the day you got married. I wish I could have been someone that you trusted.”

“You are--!”

“Anakin, please, let me say this.” Obi-wan asked. He stepped away from his former Padawan, “I understand. I understand why, and I understand that over the years I have been telling you to bury your emotions, to be the perfect Jedi like you seem to think I am. But I am not. I am impulsive, and emotional, and I certainly have the attachments that the Order says that we should not have. I am not the perfect Jedi, and I know I never will be. I’m more broken than I have any right to be, I am more angry than a Jedi should be, I have been tempted by the dark over and over and I will not let you have to go through the same.

“You are my brother, Anakin, and I love you. And while I may not be the perfect Jedi, at least that means I can still be an alright friend.”

Anakin looked at him, tears blurring his blue eyes. 

“Master,” Anakin managed to get out, the word meaning more than it ever had, “I trust you. I trust you more than nearly anyone else in my life.”

Obi-wan smiled, “You’d be the first.”

A hand touched against his shoulder, and Obi-wan turned around.

He came face to helmet with Cody. Cody pulled that same helmet off, and there were tears visible in his eyes even though he was trying to blink them back. 

“General – no, Obi-wan. I trust you more than anyone in my life, and I know many of my brothers would say the same. You may not be a perfect Jedi, but you have never needed to be, not to us. You’re reckless and nearly uncomfortably protective but we love you all the more for it. You’re our General, _our_ Jedi. You don’t need to be perfect for us – for me… to love you.”

Obi-wan couldn’t stop his own tears. He was still far too emotionally compromised, but now, with Anakin and Cody, he found he didn’t mind quite as much. He couldn’t bring himself to ask how they found him. He smiled through his tears

“Thank you, Cody.” Obi-wan said, and he reached forwards and pulled the commander into a tight hug Obi-wan knew he would feel through his armor, “I love you too.”

“I’m glad.” Cody murmured, and after about a minute they pulled apart. “Now, can I trouble you to come with me to get your neck checked out at medical, _sir?”_

Obi-wan took hold of Cody’s hand, and tugged him over to Anakin where he grabbed the younger man's hand as well.

He breathed in, and nodded, “Lead the way, Commander Cody.”


End file.
